


The Dork, or To the Mansion and Back Again

by Bookshido



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: (mostly), Beverly Hills High School, But Worse, Crack, Forgive me for I have sinned, Gen, High School Drama, Think Mean Girls, With Twelve Plastic, genderbent, utter crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 04:33:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11223417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookshido/pseuds/Bookshido
Summary: Crack!fic of The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkein. Almost everyone is genderswapped in the story and it is set in a Southern California high school.





	The Dork, or To the Mansion and Back Again

Bilbony was in the lunchroom when the Dolls arrived. They were Thorina, Kelli, Gloria, Bali, Filia, Bombar, Dwali, Bif, Bo, Noir, Oni, and Oria. Thorina was the queen bee and had been for the past few days extremely grumpy and bitchy and Bilbony expected her to blow up on her like usual.

Instead, Thorina sat down next to her and the rest of the girls did as well. They all reached over and pulled her sandwich out of the lunchbox along with a bag of chips. Blibony made a silent thanks that she had brought a second bag of chips with her that day. Up close, Bilbony could see how horrible Thorina looked. The bags under her eyes were dark as night, and Bilbony could see just how much she was breaking out now that her concealer was gone.

“Bilbony, we have a proposition for you,“ she said snootily. “It concerns how quickly you could move up in the social ladder here.”

Bilbony smiled weakly as the other girls ripped her sandwich to pieces. “I’m sorry, Thorina. But I’m happy where I am.”

Thornina glared at her and hissed, “No you aren’t. No one in your position is. Now listen up. We are going to wage war on our stepmother, Smaugula. She took all of our jewel toned make-up and hid it deep in the heart of our mansion. We are going to take it back, and we need a scrawny little dweeb to get inside and help us. Are you in?”

Bilbony looked around the table where all the other girls were watching her. They all looked horrible without make up and she could understand why they wanted it back. With the Dolls looking the way they did, the dorks, nerds, and geeks would rise up and topple the aristocracy. The school would be in revolt and Bilbony would never be able to return to her little table in the corner in peace.

She nodded and cleared her throat. “I’ll be wanting a cut of the take.”

Thorina nodded like she had expected this and pulled a sheet of bright pink paper that smelled like roses and Prada out of her bag. “We’re ditching tomorrow to meet up with our informant. Maybe you’ve heard of him; Gandork the Groovy?”

Bilbony nodded and thought back to elementary school. She and Gandork had been best friends and she hadn’t heard from him in years. Supposedly, he was transferred to the Grey Academy down the street. He apparently had become massively popular and his smile was so bright it could turn trolls to stone.

 "Sign here,“ Thorina ordered, pulling out a bright purple pen. “It gives you 10% of the take and rights to be popular here. But only if we succeed. Got it?”

Bilbony nodded again and signed on the line very carefully. Thorina folded up the document and put it back into her purse. “Good. Meet us at Chanel tomorrow at nine. And wear something… Nice,” she said with a withering glance that all the other Dolls copied. Then she strutted off and the Dolls scrambled to follow. Bombar reached out and took the rest of Bilbony’s sandwich with her.

Bilbony sighed and pulled her extra bag of chips out her backpack. “Why did I agree to that,” she moaned.


End file.
